Thursday

I put my bag on the floor today at the train station only to realise too late that I had in fact placed it directly into some spit. How is spitting on the street not punishable by law? It is essentially the expulsion of bodily fluids onto a public surface. If I did a shit into the corner I’m positive I would end up in either prison or some kind of high security mental institution. I blame footballers. They spit everywhere, indiscriminately. You shouldn’t be able to pay a grown man the amount of money they get paid if he still thinks spitting in public is fine. I bet if I came round to one of their gaudy Cheshire mansions and spat in the pool they wouldn’t like it.

Wednesday

I was mugged today. Second time since July. This means that over the last 6 months, I have now been mugged more times than I have had sex. This saddens me more than I could possibly hope to express. The muggers (average age about 7) told me that if I didn’t give them my phone and money then they would “screwdriver” me in the face. I felt both scared and like an Ikea flatpack cupboard at the same time.

Monday

There is a group on Facebook called ‘Find This Evil Rapist and Fucking Hang Him!’ It seems that a lot of the people I went to school with who were chavs and idiots have joined this group. One message on the wall was:

‘Their is no way this fucker shud b allowed to live if I had the chance I wud fuck him up the arse and see how he liked it the cunt.’

The unintentional irony in this statement almost overwhelmed me.

Sunday

I was accused of looking down a woman’s top today. I didn’t even mean to. She bent over in front of me and my eyes instinctively looked towards her breasts. It’s not my fault. Men, as a sub-species, cannot help it. We are like moths to a mammary flame. We don’t even think, we just do it. I bet I could be blindfolded in a room of women and still be able to pinpoint the exact second even a small hint of cleavage was displayed. It’s genetic. But the fact I was caught wasn’t even the worst part of this mortifying experience. Once she had seen me looking, she then said to me: “Do you want a peek at my gash as well?” I almost had a stroke I was so embarrassed. I left Tesco feeling like I should sign the sex offender’s register.

Saturday

I googled ‘foot porn’ today. Turns out I don’t have a foot fetish.

Friday

Today, the man sitting behind me on the train sneezed onto the back of my neck. In what can only be described as an act of consummate Britishness, I decided not to say anything. I now feel ashamed of myself. It’s because of people like me that Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong Il are still in power.

Wednesday

Received a text message today that defied every law of the English language. I’m not even entirely sure it was written in the English language. This is what it said:

‘Ys m8 wot u dn ws wndrin if u fncd a pint lol lmao.’

When I read it I felt a bit like that woman who had to solve those codes during the second world war. Text messaging is now beyond my comprehension. This is what I text back:

‘I have no idea what you are talking about.’

On retrospect, I think this reply lacks a certain humour. Either way, I’m deleting the person from my phone. I can’t be friends with someone who feels that it’s acceptable to send messages like that.

Tuesday

I think I might have a foot fetish. Historically, this hasn’t been the case, but I was in a meeting today and for one brief but vivid second I imagined sucking on the toe of the woman giving the presentation. I also imagined what would happen if I actually did this. I came to the conclusion that it would probably end in some type of termination of my contract. And possibly a lowering of my stature in certain social circles.

Sunday

There were a group of teenage girls in the newsagent who all looked like the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. One of them said that ‘…emo’s just have more feelings than everyone else.’ I am not sure whether this is a scientific fact.

Friday

A 16 year old at work asked me what the last CD I bought was. I told him it was a Paul Simon CD. He said ‘Who? The Magician? His wife’s well fit for an old lady.’ A little bit of me died inside.

Thursday

The following is an exact transcript of a conversation I overheard between a shop assistant and a young chav girl in a jewellers today:


SHOP ASSISTANT: Can I help you?

CHAV GIRL: I’m lookin’ for one of those necklaces.

SHOP ASSISTANT: Which necklaces?

CHAV GIRL: Y’know. The one with the cross and the little man
on it.


If I was religious I would have probably been offended.

Wednesday

Saw a group of teenagers on the train and could not differentiate between which were boys and which were girls. I felt like such a square. Perhaps the fact that I use words like ‘square’ is an indication of how out of the cultural loop I am. I’m in my late twenties but sometimes I feel like an ancient relic that Tony Robinson has dug out of a field in Berkshire.

Monday

Heard a song on the radio today that sounded like a man having his ball-bag flicked repeatedly while a heroin addict with no ears or fingers played a keyboard in space. I’m honestly not even exaggerating.

Sunday

Seriously considering buying a wedding ring and just wearing it. When a man gets to a certain age and doesn’t have a wedding ring on, people instinctively think you are either gay, a paedophile or a geography teacher. I don’t mind people thinking I’m gay, but I don’t know which is worse out of the other two.

Friday

I think I said something racist today. I definitely didn’t mean for it to be racist. But when I said it, the Chinese guy who works in the office looked at me weird. I was eating at the time though, so maybe I just had food on my chin. Actually, I think the Chinese guy’s name is Chin. I think. Is that racist that I think that? I don’t know. It seems there’s a fine line between racism and having food on your face.

Thursday

I was approached by a man on the street today who looked like a constipated rapist. He asked me if I’d ever had any accidents or injuries at work. I said ‘no’. Later on I had visions of asking him if he’d ever had any accidents or injuries at work and if he said ‘no’, punching him in the face, laughing and saying ‘Now you have.’ I think I may be a sociopath.

Tuesday

How many times is it acceptable for a single man to masturbate in one evening? I did it twice tonight. I haven’t had sex for eons. The last time I was naked in bed with a woman she did a quote from The Fast Show. That’s bad, isn’t it?

Monday

Saw a man wearing a pair of jeans so tight that the only conceivable way he could have got into them would have been if he was dropped like a heat-seeking missile from a low flying plane.