Friday

I was correct.

Thursday

Received an email today which said that if I didn’t pass it on to everyone in my contacts list I would die at midnight tonight. I doubt that this will be the case.

Wednesday

Apparently, only 12% of young Americans can identify Afghanistan on a map. That is insane. I bet they can identify where their nearest McDonalds is just by licking their finger and holding it to the wind.

Tuesday

Saw her again today, on the train. I imagined myself going over to her, making a hilarious quip and then skipping forward to the evening where I seduced her with a combination of smouldering glances, witty repartee and extremely strong Bulgarian wine. In reality of course, the moment I saw her I froze like Mr. Tumnus and peeked out occasionally from behind my seat to stare at her cautiously. She returned my glance once. I think. On reflection it is possible she was looking at the bird shit on the window behind me, which had ran dramatically to form what looked like a map of Italy. In a choice between myself and a curiously shaped piece of poo, I know which I’d choose.

Saturday

I was in the cinema when somewhere in front of me I heard someone listening to their ipod. I literally couldn’t believe it. Eventually the cacophony of the film (which was shit, by the way. It was a combination of loud noises, bad special effects and casual violence, repeated consistently over what felt like several days) drowned out the sound. But then I heard it again. Unbelievable. Although by this point, whoever it was was listening to some decent music at least. In fact, they appeared to be listening to a really good but obscure band that I thought only I had ever heard of. It was only then that I realised that it was in fact my ipod in my pocket that was making the noise. I was so ashamed I left the cinema.

Thursday

I put my bag on the floor today at the train station only to realise too late that I had in fact placed it directly into some spit. How is spitting on the street not punishable by law? It is essentially the expulsion of bodily fluids onto a public surface. If I did a shit into the corner I’m positive I would end up in either prison or some kind of high security mental institution. I blame footballers. They spit everywhere, indiscriminately. You shouldn’t be able to pay a grown man the amount of money they get paid if he still thinks spitting in public is fine. I bet if I came round to one of their gaudy Cheshire mansions and spat in the pool they wouldn’t like it.

Wednesday

I was mugged today. Second time since July. This means that over the last 6 months, I have now been mugged more times than I have had sex. This saddens me more than I could possibly hope to express. The muggers (average age about 7) told me that if I didn’t give them my phone and money then they would “screwdriver” me in the face. I felt both scared and like an Ikea flatpack cupboard at the same time.